In today’s busy teaching world with all the very important knowledges that our young people have to do learning in it can be hard to find a hook to hang all the learning stuff on in. So. One great way to hook the young learning people learners with is something that they already like. Like putting beetroot in brownies.
Enough of that. Killer Clowns. Kids love them, you love them. Here’s twenty one ways to spuriously shoe horn them into your substandard generic lessons.
1. Literacy – Creative Writing. Show the pupils a picture of a Killer Clown, mind shower exciting adjectives onto the whiteboard. ‘terrifying’, ‘creepy’, ‘green’ Then get them to write their own descriptions of a Killer Clown. You could provide an example as a model, ‘The terrifying Killer Clown was creepy with green hair.’
2. Maths – Word Problems. Don’t waste too long preparing this one. Don’t bother writing actual word problems – get the children to do it for you. Show the pupils a picture of a Killer Clown and get them to make up their own maths problems. You could provide an example as a model, ‘I saw two Killer Clowns on the way to the shops and three more Killer Clowns on the way home. How many Killer Clowns did I see?’
3. Science – Reversible and Irreversible Changes. You know that thing with the bicarb and vinegar? The one that does rockets and volcanoes. Do that, but with green food colouring right? Show the children a picture of a Killer Clown and get them to waste most of a lesson doing their own one on a bit of A3 out of the bottom of the photocopier. When it’s done put a couple of teaspoons of bicarb where the hair is, pop a few drops of food colouring into the vinegar and pour it over the bicarb so it foams up. Insane fun. The kids can spend the rest of the lesson clearing up the mess.
4. Art – Portraits. Show the children a picture of a Killer Clown and get them to draw it. If you can be bothered you could get the paints out and let them have a bit of a splash about. Don’t provide an example as a model; it would constrain their imagination and, anyway, who’s got time to paint an arising Killer Clown.
5. Home Economics – Designing a Menu. Ordinary clowns go wild for custard pies don’t they? Ok then, what pies would killer clowns go wild for? Acid pie? Toxic Pie? Can the children design their own pie for a Killer Clown? If they spend a while drawing their frankly pointless design on a bit of A3 out of the bottom of the photocopier you could maybe provide paper plates and shaving foam for a fun class custard pie fight at the end of the lesson. Probably not though.
6. Design Technology – Design Technology. What do I have to say here people. Show the children a stuffing picture, tell them to make a Killer Clown. What more do I have to tell you? “Can we use the 3D printer?” “No, you cannot use the 3D chuffing printer. We have wood, we have saws – go and make a Killer Clown while I have a sit down.”
7. Modern Languages – Vocabulary. What’s ‘Killer Clown’ in some other language? I don’t know. I’m not doing this for you. Have you not heard of google translate? ‘Tappaja Pelle’. There that’s Finnish. Go and find out more.
8. PE – Devising Our Own Games. Do this one in the hall. One Kid starts off as the Killer Clown. He has to walk around like a Killer Clown would. The others have to get out of the way. If he touches them they get to be a Killer Clown too. And so on till there’s only one left who’s not a Killer Clown, he’s the winner and gets to be the first Killer Clown in the next game. Easy.
9. Music – Writing Our Own Music. In scary movies they often use sounds like music boxes or little tinkly things to make a freaky atmosphere. Like you’d think it was cheery because it’s kids musical instruments but they make it freaky somehow. SHow the children a picture of a Killer Clown and then get out the class set of xylophones – guarantee there’s a set somewhere in the school – and get them to make up their own spooky music for a Killer Clown. If there’s time they could record it on a graphic score (you’ll need A3 paper from the bottom of the photocopier).
10. Geography – Maps. Get Google Maps up on the interactive whiteboard and talk about all the nasty creepy places in the local neighbourhood where a Killer Clown might hang out. Then they draw their own maps marking all the Killer Clown spots on them. They’ve got to label it. Labels make it a map not a waste of time.
11. ICT – Make a Game. Kids are amazing at programming. Really, they’re way ahead of adults. Not much point trying to ‘teach’ them this stuff as such. Have a chat about the games they like to play then get them to have a go at making their own Killer Clown game in Scratch. How hard can it be? If they don’t know what to do get them to help each other. Stuff the hot drink policy, bring in a cup of tea and a pile of marking – let them get on with it.
12- History – History. Make them do a PowerPoint on Killer Clowns. ‘Where did Killer Clowns start?’ ‘How many Killer Clowns are there?’ ‘How long have there been Killer Clowns?’ They can copy and paste stuff off the Internet and get pictures too. And they can spend ages changing the colour of the background and messing about with animated transitions between the slides. Don’t let them show their presentation at the end, takes too long and it’s as boring as… It’s boring.
13 – 20 Project. You know what? This whole single domain learning thing is rubbish. That’s not how children learn man. I’m talking cross curricular here. Show the children a picture of a Killer Clown and tell them to do their own projects. Let them show some CREATIVITY people. Why should you do all the work anyway? Let them get on with it – a good project can take up a whole half term and so long as you get in your Literacy and Maths who cares what happens in the afternoon anyway?
21 – Flip a Pokemon Go Bottle in the style of a Killer Dabbing Clown. Go where you like with this one. I’m out.